If you get to be that gorgeous at 97 I will personally smother you with a pillow my very own self.
Don’t get too excited. She’s not my grandmother by blood. And to be honest, at 97 she’s getting a little bored of her apartment and says she would welcome a smother.
Sorry. It’s true. I feel really bad for her.
And the worst part is that she hates fruit and vegetables, has never had a glass of milk without chocolate in it, and was about as athletic as an abalone.
Want to know the best part of all? She used to put arsenic-soaked almonds at the bottom of cupcakes and then nail them to the handrail on her balcony for the squirrels. You can take the girl out of New York…
Makes me think of that Tom Lehrer song, “Poisoning Pigeons in The Park.”