Long-standing, irrenconcilable peeves:

1. If you are a waitstaffpersonbot, please DO NOT ASK ME IF I WANT CHANGE WHEN I LEAVE CASH FOR YOU. Just take the money and return the change and don’t gripe about a quick trip to the cash register. You make more money that I do. It’s rude and it makes me want to say, “You know, now that you mention it, yes, I do want my change back. ”

At Sunnyside Up cafe (the ugliest bathrooms in town), my friend and I put down two twenties for a $12 ticket.

Waitperson with magnificent pencilled-in eyebrows, probably for his night drag job: Do you want change from that?

Me (in need of just one MORE STRAW): Do the math, what do you think?

WP (in that stale old snit fit style as he snatches the money and twirls away): Oh you never know when someone is going to be generous.

Oh, I think you do. You’ll probably experience a tell-tale pulling sensation on your g-string, bitch.

The worst part is, I am always, always a generous tipper (at least 20%), though probably not the sugar daddy flavor welcomed by the fine young actors and writers bringing me my eggs.

2. I’ve mentioned this before and twice doesn’t hurt. Put the change in my hand first, not the bills. I wasn’t planning on balling it all up and throwing it in my purse, backpack, grocery bag. Also, I’m interested in the actual value of the bills, just to make sure, and now I have to use two hands to sort it out rather than gingerly balance the little coin fountain you’ve erected on the slim canoe of bills in my hand.

Is it possible to simply count the change out for someone without simply dispensing the amount you see on the register or would that interrupt your gossiping and flirting too much?

Okay, gotta scram. Running low on meds.

4 comments to 111703809292993855

  • Anonymous

    To be honest, I think they should include the tip in the check. I never see anyone offer to pay me more because I was nice or helpful at work.

    It would be an easy system. Do your job well or be terminated.

    Off subject, why did I suddenly feel I was reading a porn mag when I got to the sentence about erecting the coin fountain in the slim canoe?

  • one time I was at this horrible place in Cambridge, and the waitress never brought me my change. I asked her for it and she said, “It was only about .40 so I rounded up.” I said, “You WHAT? You ROUNDED UP?” When she told me it was the policy of the place, I called for the manager, and, this is true: when they said, “Yes, we generally find that our customers don’t ask for a few pennies in change” I GOT A COP from the STREET and asked him to come inside with me, and I told the manager that I wanted to press charges for theft. I was all kinds of crazy (“If I go to the store and buy something and the cashier fails to give me my change, do you know what we call that? DO YOU? DO you? We call it THEFT! We call it STEALING from the customer!!”)
    The cop just stood there totally uncomfortably (I had told him that there was “something criminal” happening in the restaurant) as I spat consumer rights venom at the waitress and the manager. I got my forty cents, I left a tip for the waitress (she was an idiot but she earned her tip) and then I reported them to the Better Business Bureau.

    They don’t “ROUND UP” anymore. I called to check.

    Wow, I had forgotten about that little Ralph Nader rampage of mine!!
    Thanks for bringing it all back.

    The next time that happens I want you to bring on the full Sari Gordon mean, because I have a feeling it would be genius.

  • GOOD LORD, where were you eating, a cafe for barn animals?! That’s insane. What if they brought you a bill for $11.99 and you said, “Oh, I’m only paying $11, what’s a few pennies?”

    As it is, there are too many places I can’t go back to. As it is, THAT restaurant already has one waitress that I got pissed at for standing around and yakking while I sat there staring at her for 5 minutes, waiting to give her my order.

    Trust me; I’m much better keeping THAT Sari Gordon right here on the internets, (as Bush calls it.)

  • I have an idea. We go on a Thelma and Louise rampage, but instead of killing people with guns we say everything we’re actually thinking and flatten everyone in our path that way.

    PeaceBang, taking no prisoners and cranky today.