Let me show you something.

While the rest of the world is commuting to jobs, working out at gyms, pondering articles in the New York Times or listening to NPR, I am here at home, wasting time on the internet. I know people who really can go on the internet, find the page they want, read it–or, more likely, print it out and then read it–turn off their computer and walk out of the room.

It’s 5:30 in the morning. I’ve been up for an hour. I’ve already considered some cheap flights to Philadelphia to see some friends, I’ve entered one of my brothers’ email addresses into my address book and resent him the photo of the 20 acres in Santa Cruz I want to buy based on a 450 pixel square snapshot of a dark bunch of trees, I’ve retrieved the five or six documents that were waiting to be recovered from the power outage yesterday that caused me to race back to bed (where else do you go in an emergency?) with my police band radio so I could listen to the cops get all excited about trees being down and blocking traffic and a guy named Hans in a fender bender who turns out to have an alias and three warrants out for his arrest, I’ve opened up Windows Explorer so I can start cramming more music onto my iPod because the Ducati is still not running and I might have to drive three miles in the car so I’ll need about 8,000 songs to choose from for the ride, I’ve skimmed the local paper’s church directory for the names of pastors for an article I need to write about the daily lives of pastors.

And in 30 minutes, I will bring Scott some coffee, watch the weather in case my bike suddenly cleans out its own carbs and replaces its own timing belt, I can suddenly dash out of the house which I really never leave.

What the fuck am I going to ask pastors? I don’t even know what a pastor is. Is it the same as a priest? What’s a minister? There seem to be a lot of lady pastors and I’ll pick one of those because when I ask something stupid like, “Are you a nun?” she won’t try to hurt me.

Oh, and I’ve also opened an email with a British tv ad featuring old people playing rock stars and I wince through the whole thing but I’m glad the six or seven old people got jobs. I also read an email from my friend J who is putting on a show of photographs from Iraq in his gallery across the river. I’m writing the text for the show and am getting a little bogged down in writing stuff which I’m basically donating. For instance, yesterday I spent nearly the whole day reading about Othello because one set of photos takes place in a bombed-out Baghdad theater. The theater’s company is rehearsing for their dance interpretation of Othello and apparently the pictures can’t simply speak for themselves, because I had a lot to say about it. Basically, I wrote a bullshit high school “compare and contrast” essay but then I got all confused when I read that the director thought Othello–who was duped into doing evil–was just like Saddamn Hussein which wasn’t really the same message the state department is issuing.

And that’s just one story of the six or seven in the exhibit.

For the Pierce County Herald, I also have to write a “story” about a storage facility in Prescott another about Vietnam vet who also makes the floors for the annual polka fest.

So while the rest of you are playing lunch roulette–where do you want to go today, Chi Chi’s, Ruby Tuesday, the Pickled Parrot, or how about that new kabob place?–I’ll be writing news for a paper which, in this week’s edition, has the following story:

“Circle G Rance Vacation Bible School set”

“PRESCOTT–Circle G Ranch is this year’s Vacation Bible School theme at United Church of Christ, Prescott.

“The Ranch House, “Adventure of the Open Door,” will teach kids to know God’s door is always open and how to share His open door with others. They will also discover an open Bible is an open door to God and they will encounter the love of Jesus.

“Round up the cowboy hats and gather up the kids to experience the adventures at the Circle G Ranch. Vacation Bible School is scheduled for Monday-Friday, August 15-19, 5:30 p.m. supper than activities from 6-8 p.m.

“For more information or to register, call 262-5668.”

I think the capitalization says it all.

Oh yeah and there’s a little photograph of a kid with a huge cowboy hat.

So now it’s 5:49, time to get coffee for Scott, watch the weather and go back to bed.

5 comments to 112367137901375810

  • Damn thats scary. You mean people turn off the net? Hell I sleep on the net.

  • gafre

    Reuben’s mom is a retired pastor. She lives in River Falls. She was also the administrator/teacher of the Humanistic Judaism group in MN for 3 years. Want her email?
    Our internets are never turned off with the exception of reboot.

  • Um, excuse me. But what do you think I AM HERE!? CHOPPED LIVAH!? I can’t believe you’re doing a story on pastors and your ass hasn’t called me yet.

  • Jesus, is your broom giving you splinters?! I’m doing a story about local pastors, ya ding dong. If I wanted to do a story about lunatic women pastors with big Broadway-sized pipes and balls to match, who the fuck else would I call? Besides, you read People magazine, the only true Good News.

    And, as I said to my first boyfriend when I was Catholic, “lick me, faddah.”

  • G: I think your mother-in-law sounds too smart for what we’re doing here. I think this article will be something about how Pastor Larkin goes to DQ just like the rest of us.