Are You Nickname-Deprived?

Never earn your own nickname?

Did you miss your chance by skipping out on the fraternity experience? Forget to pass out at a party and wake-up with a mysterious new appellation? Didn’t play sports or have parents who were fun-loving clowns?

Well, guess what.

You can have your own nickname right now. That’s right, just like buying yourself a wedding ring, adopting your nickname is a way of planting a flag on Planet You.

Simply tell me a few things about yourself or just spin the wheel and let chance be your companion: you will receive your new nickname within 24 hours for only $1.00 and you can use it right away.

What can you do with your new nickname?

  • Put it in “quotes.”
  • Print it on your business card.
  • Sew it on a patch, uniform or saddle.
  • Tattoo it on your arm or better yet, someone else’s!
  • How about a t-shirt, coffee mug or giant button?
  • Never be stuck for words when you’re testing pens.

Don’t wait!

If you dilly-dally, your only nickname just might be your last: the one they carve on your tombstone!
This isn’t one of those cheesy “nickname generators” that simply run a quick algorithm that spits out a stupid Monty Python phrase like “wee pigeon licker.” This is the real deal. I, Sari Gordon, a real life writer, will provide you with a nickname, created directly from my own brain.
For just a buck, you claim your nom de nick, your sobriquet faux, your handle, your wig, your Moniker Lewinsky by clicking the button that might work below.

Be sure to ask about our personalized slogans, baby names, customized curse words, snappy answers to stupid questions, funny Mad Libs© answers and Final Last Words©.

Folks, just a personal note: I was at a party recently to watch the MotoGP race (yes, I watched it and no, I’m not talking about it, except to say one thing: sabotage.) When one of the guests, Clayton, regaled us all with his very own asshole tattoo (email me for a copy, I can’t bear to post it) and other stories of mirth, he told us all about his friend, “Dumpy.”

Sure, they were good stories and we all enjoyed some laughs. But there was something in the air, and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who sensed it. When Clayton would begin a tale with, “Another time, when Dumpy was in Peru,” I glanced around and the looks on people’s faces were, yes, eager with anticipation, but there was a sadness, too. That unnameable je ne sais quoi that clearly said, “Why don’t I have a cool nickname like ‘Dumpy?'”

Folks, that’s why I’m here. My services are discreet. I’ll give you tips about how to use your new nickname and how to gently roll it out to the world as if it were your nickname all along.

And I’m discrete. For an additional fee of only 20 cents, I’ll even guarantee that your new sobriquet is unique among my clients. I can’t guarantee that someone else hasn’t actually earned the same name, but I’ll no one else can claim your Sari Gordon nickname once you’ve secured it with me.

*Folks, I know the heartbreak of going without a handle. Worse, I was once that kid with nicknames I didn’t ask for and didn’t like! So drop me a line and let’s clear up your soiled reputation (or give you one to begin with!)

–Sari “Not Sorry Anymore” Gordon

1 comment to Are You Nickname-Deprived?

  • Well goddamn! It’s true. Here I am unable to read your blog for ages, and you blithely tell meeother day that you have a DIFFERENT blog goin’ on. Like this blog is cheating on your other blog or something. So I have perform a google search to find it. and here it is.
    aka “the dragon lady”